Budget Python (Part 1)
Since this week is also turning out to be a little packed, I think we're going to fall back on some ballast content - in this case, a serialization of a 'comedic' 'play' that I wrote back in 1991, during my year off from RISD and year on at Rockland Community College. This was for a playwriting class - I can't remember the exact nature of the assignment, but this was my solution.
Note that this version of the script is the 'final,' and is actually rewritten as a shooting script, when it served as the cornerstone of a largely unfilmed project from me and Karl called (I think) The Unflappable Moe Green. There are a few additions other than shooting angles and the like, including a couple of suggestions from Karl, but 99% is what I wrote back in the early 90s, when I was killing time at the Rock.
Kronos, The Master of All Time and Space
CUT TO:
INT. – NIGHT – KRONOS’S OFFICE
CU – Framed photo of MOE, mid spit-take in front of his TV. Zoom out to reveal: The office of KRONOS, MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE. The camera slowly pans across the wall, revealing a few other shots and posters, then pans down to reveal KRONOS himself sitting at his desk, looking through a computer file. KRONOS looks a bit like a character from an amateur theater production of ‘Flash Gordon’, with an emphasis on nostalgia for the original 1930’s comic strips. Tunic, satin cape, sequined metallic shirt, leather boots. He is wearing several watches, on both wrists.
KRONOS presses a button on his intercom.
KRONOS
Coffee, please.
VFX: A hot steaming mug of coffee appears on KRONOS’ desk.
KRONOS picks up the mug and starts to drink. A beat, then he withdraws a pocket watch and consults it. A chime sounds.
KRONOS
Yes?
AGNES (v.o.)
A gentleman is here, sir.
KRONOS
Ah, that would be MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY! Good, good. Send him in.
AGNES (v.o.)
KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE! will see you, MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY!, now.
KRONOS gets up from his desk and walks over to the window. Parting the venetian blinds, he peers outside.
CUT TO:
EXT. – NIGHT - KRONOPOLIS
VFX: The majestic yet rundown city of Kronopolis. A future metropolis out of the dreams of the mid-20th century.
CUT TO:
INT. – NIGHT – KRONOS’S OFFICE
KRONOS opens the door, revealing a very confused looking MOE.
MOE
Who…? What is this place?
KRONOS walks to his desk and sits casually on the edge. MOE, unsure, remains standing at the office door.
KRONOS
I am ... KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE!, and this is my office. Have a seat. (gestures)
MOE
(A little disappointed) So, this is death.
MOE walks over to the chair, but doesn’t sit.
KRONOS
No, you MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY!, are not dead.
KRONOS types on his computer keyboard as he is talking. He turns the monitor towards MOE. There is a chart, something cosmic, with a little cartoon icon of MOE (‘moecon’).
KRONOS (cont.)
Your essence is suspended inside the second of 7:33:45 P.M., Eastern Standard Time. Your body is currently at home, frozen in time and space while watching Jeopardy. Your mouth is frozen in the middle of saying "Who was Zachary Taylor". Your mind, however, in my office in the 7:33:45 P.M. zone.
MOE studies the chart as KRONOS speaks. Not quite taking his eyes off of it, he sits down.
MOE
Really?
KRONOS
Really.
MOE
No Joke?
KRONOS
No joke. (Stands slowly and majestically and gestures at himself.) For I am KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE! Coffee?
MOE
No, thanks. Uh… what’s this about?
VFX: The lighting grows slightly dimmer. KRONOS is silhouetted against the lighted wall behind him. Both KRONOS and MOE are illuminated by subtle underlighting.
KRONOS
Well, to tell the truth, I, KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE, would like to ask a favor.
MOE
A favor? From me?
KRONOS
Yes, from you, MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY!
MOE
Please stop that.
KRONOS
Stop what?
MOE
The thing with my name, like a game show. It's very embarrassing.
KRONOS
Sorry, but I, KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE! can't help it.
MOE
Why not?
Again, KRONOS presents a chart on the computer, to accompany his explanation.
KRONOS
A foul mind-warp has been placed upon my domain by the fiend whom I, KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE! am someday fated to destroy or be destroyed by in a death-duel the likes of which this universe has never seen. It has been prophesied that our battle shall shake the universe to its very foundations!
MOE
Uh?
KRONOS
Some people think there’s going to be a big fight.
MOE
Oh. Well, who is this guy?
CUT TO:
INT. – NIGHT – KRONOS’S OFFICE
Very dramatic “Dr. Strangelove” shot, looking up at KRONOS from the floor at a very steep angle.
KRONOS
(more drama than usual) OVERLORD, KRONOS'S ARCH-NEMESIS!
KRONOS pauses for effect. MOE clearly has no idea just what that effect is supposed to be. Beat.
MOE
Um. What’s a mind-warp?
KRONOS, again with the chart.
KRONOS
Simply put, any attempt at self-reference using a proper name or the definite pronoun "I" causes one to refer to oneself in the third person. Consequently, the same holds true of the pronoun "you". (Leans forward, with a sudden tone of dead seriousness) And one must never… NEVER… use… the third person pronoun “THEY”.
KRONOS pushes a button on his desk, and calls MOE’s attention to a T.V. monitor opposite.
CUT TO:
INT. – NIGHT – KRONOS’S OFFICE – T.V.
C.U. of television. A picture comes up, a head-and-shoulders shot of an extremely tired looking man. There is text superimposed: Patient 32-A/02d:11h:17m. PATIENT 32-A is talking, with force, but not conviction.
PATIENT 32-A
GEORGE BENSKY, THE MAN WITH THE PLAID PANTS! (Pause) CHARLENE BENVENUTTO, KEPPER OF THE THREE CATS! (Pause) REED BERARDI, THE PERM LOOKS AWFUL! (Pause) Excuse me.
PATIENT 32-A reaches out of shot for a glass of water, which he drinks from, and puts back. He continues, as before.
PATIENT 32-A (cont.)
MARGARET BERESFORD, WHOSE KEYS ARE IN THE DOOR! (Pause)
As he talks, someone comes in and starts to pad the sweat off his brow. The screen turns off.
CUT TO:
INT. – NIGHT – KRONOS’S OFFICE
No longer the ‘Dr. Strangelove’ shot.
MOE
Now, that's silly. Stop putting me on.
KRONOS
I, KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE!, dammit, am not kidding. Try it.
MOE
Yeah, right. I ... MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY! (beat) What the HELL!?!
KRONOS
SEE?!
MOE
Well, I, MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY!, mean, I, MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY! Shit, well, you, KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE! can't ... AHHHHH!
KRONOS
Frustrating, isn't it.
MOE
I, MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY! can't stop it! I...
MOE stands, shakily, and clamps his lips together.
MOE (cont.)
MRR HRRRUN, MM MMAA HHUM UHHN HUMMM MMAANN MM HUMMMHEEE.
KRONOS
Might as well get used to it. There's nothing that can be done. It's permanent, too. Can't be gotten rid of.
MOE
Permanent?!? For the rest of my life, permanent?!? (KRONOS nods.) Thanks a lot.
KRONOS
Sorry.
KRONOS looks at his pocket watch. There is a chime.
KRONOS
Would you, MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY! mind hanging around for a little while? My next appointment is here.
MOE
(Fuming) Sure.
MOE sits on a sofa, off to one side of the office.
AGNES (v.o.)
Sir? THE INEVITABLE MR. EMMETT! is here.
KRONOS
Send him in AGNES, KRONOS'S TRUSTED SECRETARY WHO IS SECRETLY STEALING MONEY FROM THE COMPANY!, please.
MOE looks surprised. KRONOS notes MOE’s reaction.
KRONOS
Impossible to keep a secret nowadays. Part of that bastard's plan. It upsets my kid most of all, though.
KRONOS presents another chart. This time we don’t see the chart, just MOE’s horrified reaction.
KRONOS (cont.)
He's tired of being called BILLY, KRONOS'S SON WHO IS A CHRONIC MASTURBATOR!
Continued tomorrow.
Note that this version of the script is the 'final,' and is actually rewritten as a shooting script, when it served as the cornerstone of a largely unfilmed project from me and Karl called (I think) The Unflappable Moe Green. There are a few additions other than shooting angles and the like, including a couple of suggestions from Karl, but 99% is what I wrote back in the early 90s, when I was killing time at the Rock.
Kronos, The Master of All Time and Space
CUT TO:
INT. – NIGHT – KRONOS’S OFFICE
CU – Framed photo of MOE, mid spit-take in front of his TV. Zoom out to reveal: The office of KRONOS, MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE. The camera slowly pans across the wall, revealing a few other shots and posters, then pans down to reveal KRONOS himself sitting at his desk, looking through a computer file. KRONOS looks a bit like a character from an amateur theater production of ‘Flash Gordon’, with an emphasis on nostalgia for the original 1930’s comic strips. Tunic, satin cape, sequined metallic shirt, leather boots. He is wearing several watches, on both wrists.
KRONOS presses a button on his intercom.
KRONOS
Coffee, please.
VFX: A hot steaming mug of coffee appears on KRONOS’ desk.
KRONOS picks up the mug and starts to drink. A beat, then he withdraws a pocket watch and consults it. A chime sounds.
KRONOS
Yes?
AGNES (v.o.)
A gentleman is here, sir.
KRONOS
Ah, that would be MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY! Good, good. Send him in.
AGNES (v.o.)
KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE! will see you, MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY!, now.
KRONOS gets up from his desk and walks over to the window. Parting the venetian blinds, he peers outside.
CUT TO:
EXT. – NIGHT - KRONOPOLIS
VFX: The majestic yet rundown city of Kronopolis. A future metropolis out of the dreams of the mid-20th century.
CUT TO:
INT. – NIGHT – KRONOS’S OFFICE
KRONOS opens the door, revealing a very confused looking MOE.
MOE
Who…? What is this place?
KRONOS walks to his desk and sits casually on the edge. MOE, unsure, remains standing at the office door.
KRONOS
I am ... KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE!, and this is my office. Have a seat. (gestures)
MOE
(A little disappointed) So, this is death.
MOE walks over to the chair, but doesn’t sit.
KRONOS
No, you MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY!, are not dead.
KRONOS types on his computer keyboard as he is talking. He turns the monitor towards MOE. There is a chart, something cosmic, with a little cartoon icon of MOE (‘moecon’).
KRONOS (cont.)
Your essence is suspended inside the second of 7:33:45 P.M., Eastern Standard Time. Your body is currently at home, frozen in time and space while watching Jeopardy. Your mouth is frozen in the middle of saying "Who was Zachary Taylor". Your mind, however, in my office in the 7:33:45 P.M. zone.
MOE studies the chart as KRONOS speaks. Not quite taking his eyes off of it, he sits down.
MOE
Really?
KRONOS
Really.
MOE
No Joke?
KRONOS
No joke. (Stands slowly and majestically and gestures at himself.) For I am KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE! Coffee?
MOE
No, thanks. Uh… what’s this about?
VFX: The lighting grows slightly dimmer. KRONOS is silhouetted against the lighted wall behind him. Both KRONOS and MOE are illuminated by subtle underlighting.
KRONOS
Well, to tell the truth, I, KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE, would like to ask a favor.
MOE
A favor? From me?
KRONOS
Yes, from you, MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY!
MOE
Please stop that.
KRONOS
Stop what?
MOE
The thing with my name, like a game show. It's very embarrassing.
KRONOS
Sorry, but I, KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE! can't help it.
MOE
Why not?
Again, KRONOS presents a chart on the computer, to accompany his explanation.
KRONOS
A foul mind-warp has been placed upon my domain by the fiend whom I, KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE! am someday fated to destroy or be destroyed by in a death-duel the likes of which this universe has never seen. It has been prophesied that our battle shall shake the universe to its very foundations!
MOE
Uh?
KRONOS
Some people think there’s going to be a big fight.
MOE
Oh. Well, who is this guy?
CUT TO:
INT. – NIGHT – KRONOS’S OFFICE
Very dramatic “Dr. Strangelove” shot, looking up at KRONOS from the floor at a very steep angle.
KRONOS
(more drama than usual) OVERLORD, KRONOS'S ARCH-NEMESIS!
KRONOS pauses for effect. MOE clearly has no idea just what that effect is supposed to be. Beat.
MOE
Um. What’s a mind-warp?
KRONOS, again with the chart.
KRONOS
Simply put, any attempt at self-reference using a proper name or the definite pronoun "I" causes one to refer to oneself in the third person. Consequently, the same holds true of the pronoun "you". (Leans forward, with a sudden tone of dead seriousness) And one must never… NEVER… use… the third person pronoun “THEY”.
KRONOS pushes a button on his desk, and calls MOE’s attention to a T.V. monitor opposite.
CUT TO:
INT. – NIGHT – KRONOS’S OFFICE – T.V.
C.U. of television. A picture comes up, a head-and-shoulders shot of an extremely tired looking man. There is text superimposed: Patient 32-A/02d:11h:17m. PATIENT 32-A is talking, with force, but not conviction.
PATIENT 32-A
GEORGE BENSKY, THE MAN WITH THE PLAID PANTS! (Pause) CHARLENE BENVENUTTO, KEPPER OF THE THREE CATS! (Pause) REED BERARDI, THE PERM LOOKS AWFUL! (Pause) Excuse me.
PATIENT 32-A reaches out of shot for a glass of water, which he drinks from, and puts back. He continues, as before.
PATIENT 32-A (cont.)
MARGARET BERESFORD, WHOSE KEYS ARE IN THE DOOR! (Pause)
As he talks, someone comes in and starts to pad the sweat off his brow. The screen turns off.
CUT TO:
INT. – NIGHT – KRONOS’S OFFICE
No longer the ‘Dr. Strangelove’ shot.
MOE
Now, that's silly. Stop putting me on.
KRONOS
I, KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE!, dammit, am not kidding. Try it.
MOE
Yeah, right. I ... MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY! (beat) What the HELL!?!
KRONOS
SEE?!
MOE
Well, I, MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY!, mean, I, MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY! Shit, well, you, KRONOS, THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE! can't ... AHHHHH!
KRONOS
Frustrating, isn't it.
MOE
I, MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY! can't stop it! I...
MOE stands, shakily, and clamps his lips together.
MOE (cont.)
MRR HRRRUN, MM MMAA HHUM UHHN HUMMM MMAANN MM HUMMMHEEE.
KRONOS
Might as well get used to it. There's nothing that can be done. It's permanent, too. Can't be gotten rid of.
MOE
Permanent?!? For the rest of my life, permanent?!? (KRONOS nods.) Thanks a lot.
KRONOS
Sorry.
KRONOS looks at his pocket watch. There is a chime.
KRONOS
Would you, MOE GREEN, A MAN WHO OWNS SOME LAND IN JERSEY! mind hanging around for a little while? My next appointment is here.
MOE
(Fuming) Sure.
MOE sits on a sofa, off to one side of the office.
AGNES (v.o.)
Sir? THE INEVITABLE MR. EMMETT! is here.
KRONOS
Send him in AGNES, KRONOS'S TRUSTED SECRETARY WHO IS SECRETLY STEALING MONEY FROM THE COMPANY!, please.
MOE looks surprised. KRONOS notes MOE’s reaction.
KRONOS
Impossible to keep a secret nowadays. Part of that bastard's plan. It upsets my kid most of all, though.
KRONOS presents another chart. This time we don’t see the chart, just MOE’s horrified reaction.
KRONOS (cont.)
He's tired of being called BILLY, KRONOS'S SON WHO IS A CHRONIC MASTURBATOR!
Continued tomorrow.
posted by Dave Kopperman | 12:25 AM
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